Belle Bitches About: REVOLUTION

I like me some J. J. Abrams. LOST? Sure. Super 8? Why not. Revolution?
No thank you.
I love post-apocalyptic stuff. Mostly because I like to think that in the event of, say, a zombie outbreak, I would become really fit. Nothing burns those calories like running from your undead and bloodthirsty families! So when I heard the plot to Revolution, I was intrigued. All the technology in the world shutting down? I’d have to convert all my Facebook hours into something useful in rebuilding society- probably foraging for berries or something.
(Side note: In the event of a nuclear holocaust, I would be a Radiation Canary)
So I ignored my homework and sat down to enjoy Revolution.
Except I didn’t.
Because it was terrible.
Seriously, it was awful. And I’ve watched Bunheads (also terrible).

PLOT 

This dude named Ben phones his wife, warns her all the technology in the world is going to shut down. Also phones his bro Miles, who is driving on the highway. All of a sudden, the phone craps out; along with everything else ever. Including cars- what’s up with that? (Cue Jerry Seinfeld impression) Flash forwards fifteen years until Ben’s daughter “Charlie” (how adorable, using a male nickname shows she’s just one of the guys) is just barely legal. She also has a brother named Danny but as he is younger and whiny and less attractive so we care about him less.
Anyways, there’s sheep and cornfields and shit, and the remaining survivors live in this weird fiefdom where they pay taxes to the Monroe Republic. Ben moons over a glorified flashdrive that he downloaded stuff onto before the blackout. It is also implicitly stated that he’s getting it on with the town doctor, Maggie, since his wife died. Danny has an asthma attack and is generally worthless, while Charlie pulls the “you’re not my mom” argument. We also meet Zak, a chubby man whose sole purpose is comic relief.
A dude named Tom, along with the militia, rolls in and orders Ben to come with him. Danny gets caught in a Mexican stand-off that results in him killing his own father, proving his own worthlessness. Charlie comes back from her teen angst-y huff to find her father dead and her brother kidnapped-surprise!
Ben manages to prolong his inevitable death to croak out a few sentences, telling Charlie that her uncle Miles is living in Chicago. He entrusts the flashdrive to the fat guy.
They make it to Chicago, picking up a potential love interest on the way. They meet Miles in an old hotel, and after the most unrealistic sword fighting scene ever (accompanied with a “family is what matters most” speech from Charlie) our triumphant heroes set on their way.

THINGS THAT WERE GOD AWFUL

1) CHARLIE

Wow, NBC. Are you even trying?
Jumping on the Hunger Games bandwagon, Charlie is an exact replica of Katniss Everdeen, albeit with more cleavage shots. Complete with leather jacket, boots, and- dear god, a bow and arrow. I can’t tell is Charlie is just a huge Mary Sue (mom dead, father dead, strong sense of family values, honey brown hair) or is just the worst character ever. During her impassioned speech to Miles, I actually thought she was copying it word for word from the “Ohana means family” speech from Lilo and Stitch  Also? No self-respecting woman is gonna traverse miles in a tiny little tank top. That’s when you bust (pun intended) out the sports bra.

2) DANNY

Way to give asthmatic people a bad name, bro. In ten minutes of screen time, Danny manages to get himself captured by the militia and kill his own father. Good job, champ.

3) ZAK (THE FAT GUY)

Okay, fine. I’ll let the whole sports bra thing go. But seriously, it’s IMPOSSIBLE for this guy to trek through harsh terrain! How is he even that chunky? All you can eat in the technological dark age is twigs or animals you can butcher yourselves! I thought it was survival of the fittest! Why would Ben give the flashdrive to this dude and not his own daughter? Why does he spell his name like that? HOW DOES HE HAVE PRESCRIPTION GLASSES?

4) SHIRTLESS LOVE INTEREST

Don’t mind me here, just fishin’ in the river with my shirt off! Perfectly normal thing to do! What? An attractive female, just around my age? What a coincidence!  Look at me, in the prime of my youth! Everyone will write R-rated fanfics starring Charlie and I! Surprise, I’m on the opposing side! How even MORE romantic!
Yeah right, buddy. Everyone and their friggin dog knew you were a bad guy. Also, did you even have a name at all? I got nothing.

5) MILES

All right, I’m just saying what we’re all thinking. That guy is Bella’s dad, sans mustache. And I don’t like that.

6) GUNS > SWORDS

I don’t care how many flips you do, or how many stone pillars you hide behind. If you have a sword and the other guys have guns, you’re pretty much out of luck. Also that was the least realistic fight ever.

7) DAT ACTING

Oy, that was rough. Everyone sounded like they had the vaguest notion of how humans were supposed to act. It was like they got the scripts a week before and were like “oh, I’ll read it later, I have zumba”, then were like “Oh yeah, that. Well I still have four days, I’ll do it sometime.” Then when filming rolls around they realize that they actually haven’t done shit all. Better do a quick skim and bullshit the rest!

8) YOUR MOTHER IS DEAD

Except it’s pretty much a given that your mom is, in fact, NOT dead. Way to go Ben, you’re shacking up with a woman WHILST YOUR WIFE IS STILL ALIVE. I hope you feel like a dick.


I didn't like this show. I didn't like it at all. I wouldn't even give it the privilege of being “That Show that I Watch When There’s Nothing Else On” (That is reserved for old reruns of the Office). I watch a lot of bad TV, but this was pretty bad. I didn't even find Male Love Interest attractive.

OVERALL

I liked the part where the planes fell from the sky. That was pretty cool.

2/10, would not watch again.